Klingsor's First Winter

My son apparently stood on his own for about 8 seconds today.

There’s feels to be a million small things in my life all slowly changing for the better.

I don’t think this is the case, but that doesn’t matter in the slightest, because that’s how it feels and the feeling can make it happen.

There are so many things I’ve ignored getting on top of that now I see in front of me and ready to get done with.

It reminds me of this dreadful depression I had around 19. I was so curious at the time what rational argument (for I was a rational man) would get me out of the utter meaninglessness of it all.

And nothing did. I just felt in a better mood one day. Then I acted on that and did fun things. Then I couldn’t understand why I was so hung up on meaninglessness, when there’s meaning in so many things.

I got blue again after that, but I always then knew that it was likely just a mood and I shouldn’t engage with it, but let it do its thing.

That was an aside and a half.

Anyways, the to do list is getting longer as I’m organizing what needs to get done and is also getting shorter because we’re doing what needs to get done.

This weekend however will be all about his first birthday.

It’s cliched to say or think about, but thinking about the joy of birthdays as a kid and the fulfillment I think of trying to create that joy for my son puts me in this lovely circle of life feeling.

May all go well for a while and may the mind be a positive beast of action.

I’ve thought about this again, and I no longer see it in a negative light. We are keeping our cards close to our chest and letting people get into a false sense of security thinking they can take advantage of us, when they can’t.

We have all the information from two financial advisors as to what we should do, and now have time to compare and contrast, and ask friends. There are many options and they’re all about an amount of return, some guaranteed some not, some hinging on the yen/US dollar relationship, some not.

Now we’re listing up things we felt were a bit weird and we will politely ask them in emails so we have answers in writing that we can carefully view later.

It took three appointments with one, and four with the other to get here, but it’s a good place to be.

Late to the game perhaps with all this, but that’s fine.

I deactivated my Twitter account and my Bluesky account again.

I used the Twitter one to get angry at the world, and the Bluesky one to write thoughts about video games.

I’ve deactivated them both many times. For minutes or hours usually, but sometimes for days.

I hope that this will be the last time.

I’m currently exhausted, in bed, waiting for my son’s sleep to become a deep sleep.

We listened to our “Life Planner” tell us all about his company’s insurance schemes and how they’re the best.

I worked from home before that.

For some reason I’m now exhausted. I don’t think it was that hard of a day?

I still need have a shower and some down time, but let’s just rest my eyes for a bit.

Ever since a restructuring that I had to enact last year, I have been a defacto representative of my company’s Tokyo office. When guests come I go to greet them, I saw a few words before drinks and to end the night, and I lead “All Hands Meetings”.

I try to do all this carefully not as a leader, but as a person filling in for a leader. I don’t want anyone to say “Who does this guy think he is? He’s just HR!”

Since this restructure I mentioned, today was our fifth all hands meeting.

These are meetings were are entire office comes together and I present on a variety of topics and volunteers present on what they’re currently working on.

I think it goes back to my English teaching days, but I love leading things like this. I love my not so thought out words become something objective and tangible for an atmosphere. Other people may not like these meetings (I have no idea), but they are a part of them and they bring us together.

So today I announced who was entering the company and who was leaving. I asked people to separate their trash and respect IT security rules. I gathered opinions on a renovation project I’m doing. And I very actively listened to two presentations when many others were staring at their phones or computer screens, and thanked the people profusely for doing such things.

I reminded people I want more presenters and confirmed them for June. (I canceled the May meeting because it’s a busy month.)

I thanked the person who organized the company lunch after the meeting and reminded people that even with no meeting in May, we’re still having a company lunch.

During the company lunch I listened a person complain about how others in other offices can’t do their job and they need to step up. I philosophized about letting someone fail versus stepping in constantly. I listened to people talk about anxiety for those who resigned and then I talked about the beauty of people progressing in their life.

Then we were done, and people cleaned up and went back to work a the all hands experience was over.

Anyways, I had something deep to say about this, but I’ve forgotten. Maybe that I enjoy creating and steering mood, and that I don’t think I’m bad at it.

It’s been a while, but I did a run last night.

My health check showed potential kidney stones and fatty cysts and other things and while they’re not 100% related (I don’t think), it is time I take my health seriously, which includes running.

On the way home, I stopped by the supermarket and got a cinnamon doughnut and and orange chuhai. I ate an drank them as I walked back to my house. Both were fantastic. No regrets. Good life call.

Today I hope to replicate the run, and leave the doughnut and chuhai to perhaps next Sunday.

I do need to stress it was a good doughnut. The kind that reminds you of youth.

Need to call the clinic too for those lovely follow up checkups.

Asked questions. Got answers. Gave clear opinions. Much better.

I’ve been listening to lots of financial planners and housing people telling me what we should do with our money. As I don’t have much knowledge, I always think it’s first best to listen to everything. However, it’s almost time to make an informed opinion on a few things, and I’m really not in the mood to do so.

I just talked to my dad, and he gave a completely different opinion on finances (pay debt before investing) and there’s a matter of respecting his opinion while also going my own way.

I perhaps avoid telling people I think they’re wrong or we want to do another way because I don’t want to deal with whatever they have to say in reply. That is perhaps something that is ultimately not good. (I would not want my son to feel he would need to do that, or even have him want to do that.)

But then I feel like I have to put in the work and actually research things well to have an informed opinion, and in my usually sleep deprived state, I sometimes honestly would rather not.

But anyways, it’s getting time for me to do that.

I’ve been stressed recently.

I’m not now. I’m watching a Ghibli blu ray and soaking up the atmosphere. I should be running, but an accordion is playing and it’s 1964 before the Olympics, and there’s this sense of hope for the future in Japan. (I lament the loss of hope in Japan.)

My wife has concerns about our son’s development. There’s likely no issue (you never know for sure), but she needs to release that anxiety somewhere.

Then at work, as HR, people are kind enough to share with me their anxieties, and sometimes people need to show their hidden ugly selves to HR. So I take that all in.

Sometimes it’s too much. Sometimes I want to share my mess of anxieties with someone. However, it’s not the time to tell my wife, she has enough on her plate, and that’s not what HR does (if sober). So today I had a little “woe is me” moment. “Woe is me” moments are silly, but you forget that.

Tonight I played some Fire Emblem. I watched some Ghibli. (I have showered since starting this composition, hence the tense change.)

Now I am beside my son who sleeps peacefully. I remember what it’s all for.

I would love more situations where I don’t have to be the stoic adult and can just fuck shit up, but not just now.

Eliciting a response through provocative language encourages one to not respond at all.

When I was younger, on an Internet forum I proudly said “if no one replies disagreeing to what I said, then I can assume I’m right and everyone agrees.”

Someone graciously replied with “no one replying just means they can’t be bothered and don’t want to engage with you. It’s not their obligation to discuss anything on your terms.”

And that stuck with me. Also, he didn’t have to tell me that.

And for better or worse, I for the most part feel no obligation to tell people when I disagree with them, unless we’re on a mountain, or in a Hub, and something sweet is in the air.

So stumble down the stairs again
Pretend you’re not too proud
To understand and still know when
Your voice cuts through the crowd
Lonely people talk too loud

I think there was some ambiguity in the past. Saying that technological progression and human progression are not one and the same was food for thought.

Social media was neat. Sharing photos and your life with others, meeting people of similar interests, it seemed like a great new thing.

And now everything is about engagement it feels on social media. Be sure to have a small detail in what you say incorrect so people will engage and correct you. Be sure not to write the full thought so people click to read more. Be sure to follow what is literally all the rage and help stoke the flames. Be sure to use AI to do the above for you to save time. Be sure to have it all automated in bots. Get that engagement.

It seems very clearly to not be progression in anyway, and yet it feels like the biggest addiction of my life. I read so much by racist sexist shitheads and I don’t want to. I see fights on social media. I see women give a single frame of themselves in revealing clothing. I see people stare weirdly into the camera while I’m supposed to read banal text.

And yet I haven’t been able to look away. I know it’s destroying my very fiber, and yet I’ll just look at one more 20 second video.

The deadline was my son being born, but that didn’t work. It has to be soon though. He can’t see his dad always on his phone getting angry at what people from Sioux Falls are saying.

And so I’ll continue to try and fail, which is not a good look. Those happily addicted to their phones are much better. They’re succeeding at their vision.

Oh well, more and more clarity daily.

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My son and I will finish the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe in two days. Please be excited.