Klingsor's First Winter

I may’ve blogged about this somewhere before, but there is merit in each retelling.

When I was 21 before heading to Japan, I was at a pool party. Not really a party, maybe 7 or 8 friends. I think we were all drunk and stoned and near the end of the night someone put on the Bouncing Soul’s album Hopeless Romantic. Me and two of my friends in our trunks by the pool start dancing in a drunken way feeling like we were the coolest people in the world. I felt like I had amazing friends and life was amazing,

When I moved to Japan, and was stationed in the countryside, loneliness hit. It used to hit most people. In a pre-social media/smart phone world you felt truly alone, and those weekly visits to the Internet cafe to use MSN Messenger didn’t really make you feel like you were back home. Furthermore, the friends you do initially make you have only one thing in common with: drinking. It doesn’t exactly feel deep.

One lonely night I was thinking if I could just buy that Bouncing Souls CD and put it in my DiscMan then I could remember those good times.

I sent a Skymail (it was a thing) to my foreigner boss, who was getting shitfaced in Tokyo with her boyfriend and his friends, or I may have even called her on the phone to her complete bewilderment. I told her I wanted to buy a Bouncing Souls CD and if she could recommend somewhere. She acted like it was the stupidest thing to ask in the world and told me about the closest Tower Records.

I forget if I was there, or if I needed to go to the Shibuya Tower Records, but I got the album. I put it in my DiscMan, and I danced in my apartment.

I didn’t feel lonely anymore. I didn’t think that I would be friends forever with people I drunkenly danced with (well, maybe I did but it is not the point), I just remembered a moment in time where I experienced it all. Listening to that CD made all the difference.

Then came the laptop I bought, ripping CDs, eventually iPods, iMacs and years later Apple Music. The CD is now on my CD shelf, which is filled with CDs I brought from Canada in 2022 or so.

Please see below for photographic evidence.

I was having a rough day at work today. I just don’t relate to these people, and as HR I’m tired of feeling like I need to be the adult. I can’t just make fart noises and give people a middle finger.

With my kid at home and my wife’s stress, I don’t have many chances to get shitfaced and sing the shit without giving a shit.

However, I went for a walk around lunchtime and selected Hopeless Romantic in Apple Music. I listened to Fight to Live and half of Bullying the Jukebox, and I remembered dancing drunk and stoned by that pool 21 or 22 years ago, and then I had all the strength I needed again.

Me and those guys aren’t really friends anymore. One owns a restaurant and is successful, and has two little boys I think. The other may own a franchise restaurant and has two big boys. Being in Japan made us grow apart and life and all that. They most likely do not remember this one night and do not listen to Bouncing Souls anymore.

But anyways, it’s neat the power than can come from a memory.

Man I hope my wife’s stress gets better and that some people at work grow up.

It’s Friday night, but I work both days this weekend.

My wife has a bad cold and my son isn’t as regular in his sleeping through the night.

I have things I need to do I haven’t had time to do. I hope at work tomorrow, when I’m really just supervising construction workers, that I can get that all sorted.

I’ll also play some Fire Emblem. These new ones I feel have to be called guilty pleasures.

Sleep now.

Egg salad sandwich for breakfast tomorrow. 200 yen at Seiyu. It’s fucking brilliant.

I’m not sure what to do with this space.

Selling our house continues. One party is interested.

Planning our new house continues. I think my wife wants to cut too many costs.

Buying of land continues, the big transfer of funds happens when they get rid of the old house, and there have been delays.

My wife is still (in my opinion) overly worried about our son’s development, but it is true he isn’t walking independently or talking at almost 18 months.

Work is fine. I need to think about looking for a new job next year. Not because I want to, but I feel any more stagnation in my current role would have a negative implant in my career. Growth where I am would be best I suppose.

I’m very anti-AI in some ways, but also use it at work quite a bit, which wouldn’t be anti-AI.

I’m happy to not have an opinion on American politics, and hope I can continue that until I die.

I’m addicted to the UK TV show taskmaster.

That’s it.

Some of the most devastating lyrics to me around from Dillinger Four:

I lost myself and found myself and lost it all again

To me to have brief encounters with truth so pure that so many hobbies and aspects of life are a complete waste, only to forget that passion and get lost in it again is such a devastating thing.

The lyrics are about an unhappy family life I believe, but for me I’m talking about my video game passion.

There is such clarity now that it is not something I need to think about so much and that I have/had so many other interests, currently in the mind being classic literature.

It feels weird being above the clouds and having such clarity.

My son is sleeping at night well, for two weeks.

He’s interested in walking, walking as we hold his hands very well.

The stress my wife and I have is getting better.

—-

Contracts for land and house are done, and in a rush to finalize bank loan contracts. Will be at city hall after my next work meeting.

Need to decide if I want to sell house ASAP or wait which would potentially make the amount we get less. Renting temporarily wouldn’t be fun, but may be best.

All this house stuff is work we didn’t have to put onto ourselves, and it is a lot of stress, but I think the payoff is going to be great when it’s all finished. There are a few risks, but I think they are manageable.

—-

Today and tomorrow there is Nintendo news. That is always fun.

—-

I feel like enough things are coming together that I can build up something great again instead of running on blinds feeling almost blind to everything around me.

—-

I want to run a marathon next year.

My wife is home. My son is happy. I am happy.

She is not 100% of course, but we are all happy.

I wonder if child rearing would be less tiring if we have less of a shit. I’m not saying what we are doing is objectively the correct way, but we could watch TV in front of him. I could play video games in front of him. We could just let him cry sometimes. We could drop him off at our in-laws and go for a date, never mind how he likes it. Maybe that’s all even better, making him understand the world and stuff like that.

Instead we read to him millions of books he wants and praise him for all the block towers he makes and sing endless songs whenever he’s sad.

We couldn’t do all this if we had two kids, I don’t think it would be sustainable. It may be for others, but both my wife and I need our alone time and screen time. It’s hypocritical, but we don’t want him to be the addicted we are… yet.

Now I need to focus on if I’ll go on the Paris business trip I have soon, selling our house, and building the new house. All exciting, all stressful.

My wife’s operation went well.

My son really misses my wife. It’s not that he goes “I want my mom”, but it’s more subtle. One, he seems a little more anxious than usual. He cries a lot easier. Two, after we do a video call, he always looks longingly into the phone wanting more. Three, he absolutely had enough of me trying to put him to sleep now. He was so overtired and just not having any of it.

There’s a lot I need to focus on, but man is my son taking all my energy.

If all goes well, my wife can leave the hospital in a few days. I really hope all goes well.

We are back from Canada.

The drive home from the airport was so incredibly stressful, my son couldn’t stop screaming.

Next time we won’t use the highway and we will stop as many times as he needs.

My wife and I were super stressed afterwards, but I didn’t really realize how stressed she was. Was an emotionally tough few days when we got back.

My wife is in the hospital from this morning for 5-7 days. She’ll have an operation tomorrow.

My son didn’t want to have a nap with me today until after 5pm which was tough. He’s now asleep though for the night.

My wife usually breastfeeds him in the middle of the night, so I do expect an hour or two of trying to get him back to sleep without that.

Our house and land contracts are signed. I’ll meet someone this weekend about selling our current house.

Things are tough right now, but I feel they will get better.

I’m going to join my son now in the bedroom despite it being very early. I need to get ready for that 1am wake up.

Nothing neat, but thoughts and feelings bubbling over.

Being home is so interesting. I kind of idolize my parents when I’m away, but sometimes can’t stand them when they are here. Two weeks non-stop is a bit tough though. There’s a lot to unpack.

Having a baby son makes me feel so vulnerable. I can’t die. I have to support him. I have to make sure everything is fine. I have to make sure he is loved. I have these weird dark thoughts imaging him alone in trouble and it is the most painful feeling ever. I want to always be there for him.

I realize Canada is tough for my wife. She doesn’t speak English really. My parents are tough for me but I know them. I’m trying my best to make her stay fine, but she gets stressed.

I’m worried I’ll never get properly organized. There’s so much I need to organize. I think that comes before everything else. I need to always have my mind and surroundings organized. I think I was semi-organized before, but with a son it feels impossible, but everyone does it.

I’m worried I left my roof balcony door open and that it’ll cost tens of millions of yen to fix and I won’t be able to move. I have to wait four more nights and a 10 hour flight to find out.

I’m hearing about baggage and feelings and people figuring things out and I get it, but I’m not understanding why people are talking about it out loud. I guess because we’re family and not strangers, but with being in Japan for so long my family can feel like strangers to me. I think that makes my parents sad, but I’m not really sure how to change it. We talk a lot though when I’m in Japan. Kind of weird.

My son is the grand unifier. Everyone loves him. Strangers love him. I’m often exhausted on this trip. I’m exhausted at home too honestly.

That’s it I think.

My main thought reading people throw scathing comments at one another on Twitter regarding Japan making Permanent Residency hard to attain is this:

You can understand how a country dictates its immigration policy and empathize with the people it negatively affects at the same time. Understanding the immigration policy doesn’t mean you have to treat anyone who’s negatively affected like trash, and empathizing with people doesn’t mean you have to call Japan a stupid country that you’ve always hated anyways.

Second, I see immigration like getting a job in many ways. A company isn’t required to hire everyone and a country isn’t required to let everyone in. A company hires someone when there is mutual benefit and a country lets someone in when there’s mutual benefit.

Likewise, going from a temp contract to a permanent contract is based on the company’s discretion. There may be amazing people who worked hard to be permanent, but the company isn’t in a position to have any more permanent workers, and so they have to turn down deserving people. It’s not fair to the people applying, but it is. (labor unions and courts could extend the metaphor and make it cloudy.)

Last, there’s no guarantee and this decreases the number of immigrants in Japan. When I moved to Japan, the idea to move here wasn’t popular for most, and now it’s incredibly popular. It’s feasible that with strict new rules Japan still accepts more immigrants and permanent residents than it did in 2005.

As an aside, my masters in 2013 was on Japanese immigration policy. I went in ready to discuss why it was so strict, and ultimately found that it was only strict to “unskilled workers”, but much less so than most Western countries (with the “back doors” available).

As another aside, I’ve had white people in my periphery complain that Indians are still allowed to get in while it’s impossible for white people. (I’ve heard this about Japan and Canada.) In my experience, non-Europeans are much more likely to do “the impossible”, and not expect things handed to them on a platter. The rules are the same for both.

That’s it. I wish the best for Japan and the non-Japanese people who want to live there permanently.